What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 11:29
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was 9 years of age.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do some women squirt and some don't?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Comes on , in middle age.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I waited trembling.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We were not on the streets..
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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I don,t even have a pension.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Is anyone else losing complete respect for the US at this point?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Ive learnt so much.
So whats the point in blame.
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I could never make a relationship work though!
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was scared of men, in general
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I said to her
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I will be 64.
She loved him until the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She wouldn,t have been !
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I write beautiful poetry .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When she asked me how she looked .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She married twice! .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My life is so biszare .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
This is soul school!.
What did i know ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We all went to grammer schools
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My family never makes their pension either.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.